Don't judge a book by its cover

18:30

"...the reason it feels like you're the only one with an anxious internal monologue is that yours is the only one you can hear. We don't have access to other people's minds - so we're forced to judge their emotional state by their behaviour."

When I read this in Psychologies Magazine, it honestly blew my mind. I do often look at people and think that they have their life together; they look confident, they seem like they don't care what people think. The key words in that are "look" and "seem" - looking or seeming, and actually how you feel are two completely different things. To others, I may look confident and sure of myself on the outside, but I'm not afraid to admit that on many an occasion I have gone home and cried because someone's tiny comment made my mind go into overdrive.

Social media is also a big cause of this judgement and assumption - we see someone's seemingly "perfect" life on Instagram with their happy smiles, beautiful clothes in wonderful locations. We yearn for a life like that, when in reality, every picture is orchestrated, and most of these people post their highlight reel to give out a positive vibe. Although it's nice to air your worries and thoughts sometimes on social media, you don't want your feed to be constantly filled with negativity, as it will make you feel even worse.

Your friends, influencers and celebrities online may look as though they lead the "ideal" life, but I would bet anything that they also have their insecurities, worries and fears as much as you and I. You just can't judge it because you don't have access to their minds and that's something you will NEVER have...unless sometime in the future we invent some crazy mind reading machine 🤷‍♀️but for now, we don't, haha! But, you know what I mean!

Even when people are telling us information about themselves, we have no idea if they're withholding anything else or if they have any other deeper feelings about any given subject because you do exactly the same with your own thoughts. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment, and take a second to reflect that not everything is as it looks on the outside. Don't judge someone so harshly for having a short temper, for example, when you have no idea what life is like for them at the moment and how they're dealing with it.

We just all need to be a little more kinder to one another and a little bit more sympathetic to the fact that life can be shit sometimes, and that's okay. We can work through it together.

Expect nothing, live in the moment

13:27


It's actually crazy how my lack of inspiration for a blog post is actually turning into a blog post - ironic or what? 

I've literally been sat staring at my laptop screen for the past hour waiting for inspiration to strike. I have so many ideas in my head, but you know when none of them really strike you in the moment to write - yeah, that. So, I've been switching between tabs, reading others peoples blogs, waiting for that one thing to just hit me, and as you can guess, it didn't. 

This was when I started to feel like shit - I started to feel bad about the fact that none of my great ideas were flowing out of me instantaneously as I imagined they would, I started to feel guilty that I was considering closing my laptop for another day. I just felt useless that I wasn't living up to the high standards and expectations that I'd set for myself. 

I recently finished, for the second time, "Unf*ck Yourself" by Gary John Bishop, and coming upon this situation reminded me of his chapter about expectations. When we enter different situations in our life whether it be romantic, business or even just personal, we set our own expectations (consciously or otherwise) of how things will pan out, and here's the kicker, it doesn't always work out the way you think it will. 

The real test comes when your expectations are not met. Are you just going to feel sorry for yourself and give up or are you going to fight through it and persevere?
Life can be like that at times. On some occasions you have to realize that the game has changed (sometimes dramatically so) and you need to pivot. Deal with your reality ~ Gary John Bishop
My expectations were that because I had set my sights on something and had finally made a decision about doing something with my blog and my upcoming business, that I would just be instantly inspired to work, and the ideas would just come flowing. I'm not saying that this won't eventually happen, but I can't stop at the first hurdle because it's not coming as easily as I would have hoped. 

Living in the present moment is what's going to help you here. There's no point in dwelling over what's happened in the past because you can't change that. You will get nothing out of obsessing over what will happen in the future because that's something that's yet to come, and you will never see it because when it does come, it will be your present. You need to learn to take everything one day at a time, don't obsess over what's happening tomorrow, but focus on today and what you will do today to strive towards your long term goals - tomorrow never comes.
When you expect nothing, you're living in the moment. You're not worrying about the future or rejecting the past. You're simply embracing your situation as it comes ~ Gary John Bishop
With this being said, for the rest of the day I'm going to not let myself feel guilty over shutting everything off and just chilling out. I've spent too long trying to force things into fruition that I just end up hating myself for it, so this time I'm going to just take myself away from the situation and come back at another point with fresh eyes. I'm learning to rest and not quit, because I know I'm onto a good thing if I just keep pushing.

How I Journal

18:00


Journaling has completely changed my life.
It's created a daily habit for me, which if you know me, is a big deal.
It's helped me to release the thoughts in my head.
It's helped me to deal with problems.
It's a safe space where I can be myself.

Journaling is one of my favourite things to do each morning and today, I want to delve into what goes into my journal so maybe give you some inspiration to start one of your own.

Gratitude
I like to write a list of everything that I'm grateful for that day, but I also like to write why I'm grateful for it. Having a reason behind your gratitude makes it more relevant to your life, therefore making you think more about how it's impacted you as a human being. "I am grateful for wonderful friends because they always pep me up and keep me happy"

Affirmations
I write little affirmations about how I want to feel, but I write them in the present tense like I already have them to help me believe that much is true - they give me a positive energy for the day. I go into more detail about affirmations in this blog post. "I am enough, I am loved "

Florence Scovel Shinn
I like to write a little mantra based and inspired by the words of Florence Scovel Shinn: "What is mine by divine right shall be mine in its perfect way. I trust the universe completely". Florence shows us that self development isn't just a new modern fad, and that it's been around for years, and it's teachings are absolutely timeless and actually haven't changed much. I write this little inspired quote of mine, every single day to show trust in the process and that I'm happy to wait till the time is right for things to happen. 

Daily Wins
At the end of every day, I like to write about things that have gone well today even if it's only small. Even on the worst of days you can always find something to be positive about, you may find it trivial, but sometimes the smallest things are victories in your day - "I had a shower this morning, I got out of bed". The smallest of things for some people are the hardest, and it's important that you celebrate the small wins as much as the big ones.

Positive Lists
If I'm feeling especially low about a situation, then I try to create a list of ways that I can see it in a positive light - I will write at least 10 positive factors about my situation, and oftentimes, seeing something in a good light will help you to think about your situation in a different way as you're not focusing on why you are negative about everything. I talked about this in my post about dealing with stress at work.

Free Writing
Sometimes I just like to write about what's on my mind, whether that's how I've been feeling, what I've been doing, or anything that just pops up into my head at the time. There are no rules or regulations about how or what I write, I just do it. Sometimes I draw or decorate around my writings to help my creativity flow, but sometimes I just write solidly for a couple of pages, it all depends on my mood on that particular day. 

Negative/Positive
I have been journaling regularly for a couple of years now, and my journal has definitely evolved. I used to use it as a diary; writing about things that happened to me and how I felt about them. I found that through doing this, I had made my journal into a hive of negativity where I would just rant about how bad I felt, how x was awful for doing this to me and how I was just generally resentful towards most things in my life. Now, I'm not saying that I've stopped this completely, because it's completely natural to let things out in your journal, it's your safe space after all, but like the positive lists, I liked to analyse my situations once I'd got it out of my system and really think about how I could make it into a positive, or how I could use this "negative" to my advantage, or what lessons I could learn from it. I now turn my negatives into positives.

As aforementioned, my journal has evolved over time, and I'm sure this time next year it will have changed again, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. As human beings, we're forever changing and that's just a process of life. Do you journal? How do you do it?

Affirmations

15:44


I'm a big believer that whatever you put out into the world is what you will receive back - if you're negative towards everything, then you will only attract negative into your life and vice versa, positive attracts positive. 

I have been using affirmations in my journal as of late in order to gain some positive energy in my life. I see an affirmation as a way of proclaiming to the world what you want to be in a way that makes it seem as though you already have it - so instead of writing "I want" or "I will" you write "I have" or "I am" as if what you want is already in your possession. 

I am beautiful
I am successful
I am loved

By using these present tense words, it affirms to your higher self that you believe that you are what you say, and you will start to see positive changes in your life. However, using future tense words like "I want" shows that this is something that you lack, so by thinking of lack, lack is what you will receive. Can I say lack anymore in that sentence? You know when you write/say a word so much that it starts to lose all sense of meaning....yeah, that! 

I have to add that just because you're writing these affirmations everyday, it doesn't mean that it's going to magically happen for you. You need to put in the work for what you want to achieve at the same time - you could be writing the affirmations every day, but spending the rest of the day being a potato on the sofa watching Netflix, and that, my friend, is not going to get you anywhere no matter how hard you believe or write those affirmations. 

Personally, I like to be relatively realistic with my actionable affirmations. In an ideal world, I would absolutely love to become a morning person, but by writing "I am a morning person" as stated before, isn't going to magically turn me into a morning person - I find it extremely hard to get up in the morning due to my shift work and just generally feeling tired for the majority of the day. I've started using the affirmation, "I have the ability to be disciplined" because it's realistic and it's something that I can do. It's not forcing me to change but it's telling my higher self that if I choose to accomplish something that I am more than capable of doing it. Mental affirmations are a different story though and I believe that you should write pages and pages of how beautiful you are if it helps you to truly see how beautiful you really are if you lack that kind of confidence. 

As with everything that I write, I'm talking from my own personal experiences and ways of dealing with things, but everyone is different. Have you ever practised affirmations? What's worked for you? What hasn't?

Little Reminders You May Need To Hear

18:22


You are loved
Never ever think otherwise about this fact. There are plenty of people in the world that love you deeply for a plethora of reasons and hate seeing you this way.

Your mental health does not define you
Your mental illness is a part of you, yes, but in no way, shape or form does it define you as a human being. You are a multi-faceted wonder of a person, and neither you or anyone else should believe in anything else. You need to accept what you have and learn to live with it, not fight against it. 

You are NOT a burden
Never think that you are a burden on your friends and family. They are your friends for a reason and if they can't accept this part of you, then you need to cut them off straight away because it's not something that you choose to be. Your true friends will care about your wellbeing, listen to you and will try and help with your problems as best they can. More often than not they want you to be able to tell them your problems, and just because they're going through things of their own, doesn't mean they don't care about you and your problems too.

Get outside...NOW
I've always been reluctant to do this for one reason or another, mainly comfort, but getting some fresh air does you the world of good. It doesn't need to be for a run or anything strenuous, you could just go for a walk or even just sit in your garden, but getting outside into the open air is going to work wonders on clearing your mind.

You are not alone
You may be thinking to yourself that you're the only one feeling what you're feeling right now but you're not. There are so many people that either don't realise they have a problem, or are too scared to open up to anyone about how they feel in case they're looked down upon or judged - I know I was one of those people. 

Talk to someone, anyone
It doesn't need to be a doctor if you're not comfortable with that just yet, but talk to a close friend or family member about how you feel. I've been surprised in the past to find that the person I've spoken to feels exactly the same way as me, and that, as well as the actual act of telling someone, gives you the biggest sense of release. Keeping things bottled up isn't helping anyone, including yourself.

Don't compare yourself to other people
Just because you feel that someone else has it worse than you doesn't mean that your pain isn't valid. Pain is pain, and we all feel it in individual ways.

It's okay to not be okay
You shouldn't be expected to try and be positive and happy all the time - there are other emotions that are equally as valid and you need to feel those too. Nobody's life is perfect, we all have rough days, and sometimes you just need to wallow for a while before you get back up and kick some ass.


Action Leads To Motivation

11:55


So it's been a hot minute since I last blogged, and this is going to sound like a cliché, but I never stopped thinking about you - I make this blog sound like an ex lover or something. Anyways, I digress, I was absent not because of lack of interest but lack of motivation.

I went back to my old routine of feeling sorry for myself, sitting around thinking about how I'm in a rut, thinking about how to get out of said rut, thinking about all the things I want to do, but still ultimately just sitting there not doing anything about it but thinking. Whilst writing this, I'm also trying not to overthink this too much as I just want to get something out there to get the ball rolling again.

It felt almost depressing how much I was overthinking everything and just being inside of my head for hours on end before having a "break" and heading to work. Work has always been a kind of release from myself, as I enjoy what I do so much, but it shouldn't be like that - I can't spend my free time just moping around when I have other passions and projects that I want to pursue. 

I heard a quote a couple of weeks ago that basically changed everything for me: motivation doesn't lead to action, action leads to motivation.

This quote, honestly, turned my whole mindset upside down. I was always under the impression that once I got the motivation to do something, everything would just suddenly fall into place, and I would be able to achieve everything I've always wanted to achieve. I was wrong. I came to realise that the complete opposite was true - I need to take the first steps to actually DO SOMETHING first. The inspiration and motivation comes from the doing rather than the thinking, as you've already established that you're capable of doing it. 

I've implemented things back into my life that I got out of the habit of doing: running, journaling and getting up earlier. I've limited it at the beginning so as to not overwhelm myself, but I've found that now I've done it a few times that I really wanna carry on and prove to myself that this wasn't a fluke. I'm in competition with myself to carry on, I want to prove to myself that I CAN do this and that I won't go back to my old ways like my subconscious always thinks that I will. In my mind, it's the norm for me to sit around feeling sorry for myself, but I don't want that to be my "normal" anymore, I want to create a new normal for myself doing things that I want to be doing. 

Motivation won't just strike you if you sit around waiting for it to come.

Social media detox - a week on

18:00


It's been over a week now since I deleted social media, and guess what? I don't miss it.

I genuinely thought that not having Facebook would drive me crazy, but the absolute honest truth of the matter is that I don't really feel anything at all. It's made me realise that social media is just...well...there! I just don't have any real emotion for or against social media, which shows that it's our own fault we get so distracted by it each day.

I don't feel as though deleting social media has made me any more productive though, unfortunately. I've gone from scrolling Facebook and Instagram every 10 minutes, to switching from Messenger to WhatsApp every 10 minutes instead, to see if anyone new has messaged me - the answer is more often than not, no! Even without Facebook, I'm distracted by the fear of missing out, the fear that nobody likes me enough to message, and the fear that I've removed myself from every day life. This is a fear that has happened because of social media, but, has been created by our own choice. 

I'd go as far as to say that in this day and age, social media has become a real addiction for some people. 

We get gratification from our notifications and the number of messages we receive, so when we hardly have any communication with anybody we start to feel bad about ourselves. I'm a big believer that social media is what has caused some of my mental health issues - constantly needing validation in the form of a ringtone, a like or a comment. I know it's not fully to blame though, there is always an element of choice in everything that we do, as hard as it is. 

Facebook is built to be addictive, it's built to make you come back, it knows exactly what it's doing, and it does it well. Credit to the creators, really.

I've begun limiting the amount of time that I'm on my phone now as well, I'm starting to leave my phone in another room when there's something that I need to be doing. It's sad, but I sometimes I feel like I've lost a limb when I don't have my phone on me, but I know deep down that I work so much better when I don't have that little contraption of distraction on me.

I keep saying that social media and being on your phone is a choice, and it is, but after so many years of being so reliant on it, it's not easy to just put down. It's a deeply ingrained habit in so many of us, and I, for one, want to get out of the habit and into my life.

I'm still on my road to learning

13:45


A few years ago, I went through a phase of reading every personal development book under the sun - I absolutely love the idea of bettering myself and I would plow through these books like there was no tomorrow. However, upon reflection of this time, I now realise that I was just reading them, I wasn't absorbing or even using any of the information to my advantage. I thought I was bettering myself, but I never actioned any of the ideas, I just read them and moved on.

I've started reading these books again in the past few weeks, but I've been taking my time with it; reading a chapter each day and writing a page full of notes to really absorb the information to use at some point in the future. I've also started watching a lot of videos and listening to a lot of podcasts on the law of attraction and manifestation which I've found massively interesting, to implement into my life. 

I've been obsessed with learning about manifestation, that I've decided to try a couple of methods:

MEDITATING
I've always been a BIG advocate for Headspace, the meditation app, but in the past few days I've started to do some unguided meditations by myself. I've just sat cross-legged on my bed, closed my eyes, taken a few deep breaths and just sat in silence letting my mind do what it wants to do. I do start off with some of the exercises Headspace has taught me in my head, but I've been trying to think of things that I want to happen to me in the future. I create scenarios in my head that I am willing to happen in the future; I must not contradict myself or let any negative thought slip into my mind. If my mind wanders, that's okay, I just bring it back by focussing on my breath and start again.

WRITING SCENARIOS
This is something that I did for the first time last night - I wrote down a scenario of what I wanted to happen in my life, included how I would feel, and an honest reaction to how it would go down. This may seem like I'm writing a fan-fiction of my own life, but I wanted to try and see if this type of manifestation did anything for me.

Right now, I don't particularly want to start blogging about the best way to manifest, how to attract x and y into your life, or how to raise your vibrations, simply because I don't know enough yet - I'm still on my road to learning. I want to share with you what I'm trying, my experiences with it, how it's affecting me, and what impact it's had on my life. I'm still a complete beginner in this field, but I thought I would document my findings and let you what worked for me, what didn't, how things have changed, and what I'm trying next.

Learning life's lessons is not about making your life perfect, but about seeing life as it was meant to be
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Mindset Shifts

13:48


As I've mentioned in my previous post about dealing with stresses at work, there's been a lot of shit happening in my workplace. It's taken me a while, but I think I've finally learned how to deal with it and how to let go.

Towards the end of last year was when it all started and I most definitely did not deal with it well to begin with - I would cry, I was massively negative at work as well as at home, and I just generally couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Funnily enough, I was still journaling my feelings out at this point in time, but my frame of mind was so dire that I may as well have been shouting into a void for the amount of use it had.

I almost stopped caring at one point when it dawned on me that I shouldn't stop caring, but I should stop worrying. I'm a very conscientious worker, and I strive to do a good job no matter what, and for things to be falling apart in front of my eyes made me feel useless - why couldn't I fix what was happening? I couldn't fix it because it was out of my control! Why and how can I worry about something that is completely out of my hands. 

I started to let go.
I started to put myself first and focus on my own wellbeing. 
I did all this because dragging myself down for something that is completely out of my control is destructive.

I'm not gonna lie and say that my journal is now a source of wholesome positivity, because that's bullshit at it's finest. I still rant and rave in there about what's worrying me and making me feel like crap, but I now have the mindset that once it's written down, I should at least try and let it go and move on.

There was a point in my life where I would always see the silver lining of everything, and I feel like I'm starting to get back to that place - I'm taking myself out of negative situations, removing myself from negative people when I can, and not succumbing to letting that be my vibe.

Positive attracts positive the same way that negative attracts negative. If you keep telling yourself that things will never get better, then they won't, but if you tell yourself and believe that you can do great things, then by god will you do great things. Recently, I've been telling myself, and others, that I feel so much better mentally than I did a few months ago, and each and every day that goes past that I say it, I feel better than the day before. I'm not saying that I'm immune to having down days, because that's absolutely natural, but it's how you deal with those days that defines you as a person.

I'm excited to grow on this journey and I'm so grateful to have this little slice of the internet to share it all with.

Deleting Social Media

16:34


It's been absolutely chucking it down with rain all day, and this afternoon I really wanted to get out, so my Mum and I went for a quick lunch. Our meals arrived, and mine looked super pretty that I knew I just had to take a photograph, and then I realised something. I deactivated my Facebook account earlier on in the day and deleted the Instagram app from my phone, so I had absolutely nowhere to post this picture of my food!

Now, I know this is the epitome of every millennial's first world struggles, but it really got me thinking. 

Why do we need to take share a photo of something to prove that we did it? I always used to joke with my friends and say, "If you don't take a photo of your food, did you really eat it?, but you can really take this into any element of life though. Whether that's the obligatory airport check in, the "look who I bumped into" selfie with that friend you haven't seen in a long time, or even making your relationship status "Facebook official". 

Does anyone really care though? I know I don't, reaaaally. Think about it this way; when you're scrolling through your socials, do you really take the time to properly read through someones status before liking it, for example? Most people, including me, just skim through their feed liking things here and there and often only liking things to get the attention of other people.

Why? What's happened to real life communication? Have we lost the ability to socialise in person? 

Social media has changed SO much in recent years and we've grown to become almost dependant on it - it gives us instant gratification. We hear the ding of a notification or a message, and even if we're busy with a group of people we have to know what's going on, and I for one, will have this nagging voice in the back of my mind willing me to check, when I know deep down I should be present with the company I am with.

I deleted the Facebook and Instagram apps off my phone yesterday - the Instagram one was easy, but I knew Facebook would be a much tougher challenge. After doing this, I picked up on the fact that I kept going to check my Facebook, only to realise that it had gone, and I'll admit, I'm still repeating this even now. I have this habit of "quickly" checking Facebook when I've got a spare moment, and it's going to be hard to get out of the habit because of how deeply ingrained it is. This morning, after not checking my Facebook at all last night on a web browser, I went to see if anything had changed.

I had ONE notification!

It made me realise that nothing actually happens between each check of my socials...okay...nothing might be an exaggeration but barely anything of any worth happens anyways, you know what I mean! With this in mind I just made the decision to deactivate my Facebook. I'm not saying that it's going to be a permanent thing, but I'm going to try a week to start off with. I want to learn how to be more disciplined with my consumption of social media and consequently learn how to be more productive in other areas and see how I get on.

Dealing with stress at work

11:54


My work life over the past few months has been stressful to say the least, and I'm not gonna lie, I've struggled mentally and physically because of it. Luckily, I was able to squeeze in a holiday around my birthday in February, but I know that I can't always book a holiday to get away from stressful situations, as much as I wish I could. 

I've really had to up my mindset game because of everything that's gone on, and I'll tell you now, it hasn't been easy. I've questioned my choice of career, I've questioned my choice of workplace, I've considered walking out on shift, and I've had multiple mini breakdowns of tears whilst at work. It's been bloody hard to put it lightly, but I'm still alive, still breathing, and it's the little pieces of happiness that I need to hold onto in times like this.

Whenever I've been getting into stressful situations, I've turned to journaling - writing about the positives of my situation. So when I start to have doubts, I write reasons why I absolutely love working in a pub: 

❣️ I love the banter and the chats with the regular customers.
❣️ I love working with my friends, as working with people you love really makes all the difference.
❣️ I love knowing that I've made someones special day (birthday/anniversary/etc) memorable.
❣️ I love the fact that I work a social job because I enjoy meeting with new people.
❣️ I love that I often get to have half days as well as days off where I can get other stuff done.
❣️ I love when customers say a joke that I haven't heard before.
❣️ I love the fact that my job is never the same each day.
❣️ I love that I work an active job. 
❣️ I love that I get free food and drink occasionally.
❣️ I love McDonald's runs after work when we've had a stressful day.
❣️ I love discounts on food and drink.
❣️ I love that I'm good at what I do.
❣️ I love that I can use work as an escapism of sorts, as I enjoy what I do.
❣️ I love getting tips.
❣️ I love the fact that our pub is dog friendly.
❣️ I love polite children.
❣️ I love seeing happy customers.

On the contrary, I've also gotten into the habit of getting everything out of my head and into my journal no matter how negative it is - I'd rather rant everything out onto paper and get it out there, than have it stuck in my head all day clogging up the space that I need for my positive energy. 

I can remember the exact moment that my mindset did a complete 180 with regards to work, though. I was sat in Starbucks on my day off just checking my phone, starting to think about writing a blog post, when I received a message from my colleague:

"Are you able to cover my shift tonight? I'm throwing up!" 
My heart sunk. 

This was my first day off in a while, and although I'd already made plans to go out later on that day with my Dad, I felt obligated to say yes, and guilty that I actually said no. Then it hit me; on all of my days off I'm always subconsciously waiting for a message asking me to cover someone, I'm always waiting for something to go wrong, or for someone to message me asking me what I did to make xyz happen.

I went to my car and cried. I didn't cry because I was sad about being messaged, I cried because I was upset about how work was making me feel.

With everything that's going on at work at the moment I'm still half waiting for a load of texts to come my way but I've learnt how to handle it in my head, and I've learnt how to say no. I'm learning how to not feel guilty about it still, but I need rest too and it's not my responsibility to cover everyone - I HAVE to say no sometimes as I can't be expected by anyone to be there all day every day - I'm not super human!

I still often worry on my days off, but I'm learning each day to take things slow and to try and distance myself from that worry. I'm now able to easily identify when it's work that's making me feel like shit so I can accept that it's happened and purposely step away from the thoughts so I can put my energy and feelings elsewhere. It's going to be a long and slow process but I'll get there eventually..

Validating Yourself

18:00


YOUR SELF WORTH ISN'T DEFINED BY SOMEBODY ELSE! 
Let's say that a little bit louder for the people at the back.

This is something that I need to drum into my head a little more too, to be honest. I'm a people pleaser, I like to be praised by someone else, I like people to appreciate, and tell me that they appreciate my worth. I work my best when someone tells me I'm doing a good job, or tells me that they think I'm capable of doing this, that and the other - it makes me feel good. Why can't I feel this way by myself though? Why do I need somebody else in my life to validate me? Why can't I validate myself?

I should be doing things off my own back, I should be doing things because I want to do it, not because other people think I'll be good at it. I should be writing my own destiny, doing things that I love and am passionate about out of pure drive for my own success. I need to learn to be happy by myself, and I need to learn to love myself.

I spend a stupidly large amount of time thinking about whether x, y or z likes me, why they haven't text me back, or why they never make the effort with me that I do with them. I spend all this time in lingering thoughts over these things that I just quite simply can't control, when I should be spending my time more pro-actively pursuing my dreams - this is why, 9 times out of 10, I get massively distracted. 

I care more about what other people think of me than what I'm actually doing with my life because I have it in my head that these people being in my life is what will make me happy. Sure, they're great people, and I enjoy having these friends in my life, but they're getting on with their lives, so why shouldn't I get on with my life too. I'm not saying that these people have perfect lives and they don't have their own problems and insecurities, but those are things they need to deal with the same way that I need to deal with my own ones too. 

I'm starting to learn how to focus on what I'm doing and to follow my dreams. It's a process, and my dreams right now might adapt and change, but I'll never find that out if I just stay where I am in this destructive whirlpool of self-pity and anxious thoughts. It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing, saying, achieving, or even thinking; none of it affects you, and none of it is anything that you can change. The only thing that you can change is yourself; what you're doing, saying, achieving and thinking. Stop worrying about things that you can't control, and start worrying about yourself and your own well being, make yourself your number one priority and start doing everything that you want to do.

Perfection

14:58


Perfectionism is definitely what's been stopping me from blogging recently, and it's something that's affecting more than just my blogging aspirations. I know deep down that I'll only learn and get better by DOING, but I just haven't been able to step over that hurdle as of late. 

I get my laptop out.
Open a blank writing space.
Stare at the screen for 5 minutes.
Give up.

It's not like I don't WANT to succeed in what I love, it's that I don't want to disappoint myself with being bad at something. I'm afraid of being a beginner and for things to go wrong. I'm afraid I'm not being good enough to keep up with everyone else. I'm afraid I'll disappoint myself. The last one is the biggest fear for me, disappointing myself - I'm my own worst enemy and critic when it comes to doing anything with my life, and I have to constantly fight with my brain to do anything without feeling like a failure.

However, upon speaking to a friend of mine recently who's extremely successful in her side hustle, I've come to realise that I CAN do anything that I put my mind to; I just need the motivation and the drive to do it every day. She is no different than me and if anything she has more on her plate than I do, juggling a part-time job, her side hustle and her four kids. We're not comparing lives here, as everyone has different things on their plate even if they might not be so obvious, but we're all human, and we're all capable of achieving whatever we put our minds to.

Nothing has to be perfect straight away, heck, nothing is perfect FULLSTOP. Perfection is just an illusion that's been put on us by society; something completely unattainable, something that's not even real in most senses. Let's take social media for example - we scroll through our feeds, constantly looking at those who we aspire to be like; their bodies, their houses, where they go out to eat, etc. Social media is just a highlight reel of somebody's life and I know for a fact that no matter how confident someone is, everyone has their insecurities, down days, and everyone just feels like shit every now and then, but they're not gonna post that on their social media streams because that would more than likely ruin their "aesthetic". 

I need to stop thinking that I'm not good enough and actually start trying for once, and that starts with this blog. 

Watch this space...

Inspiration shouldn't be forced

15:38


One of my goals for 2019 is to be more consistent with my blog, as I've definitely got more than enough time every day to fit in at least something. However, I've just spent the last 15 minutes forcibly looking for inspiration to strike because I've got the time now - is this right?

There's forcing myself to write when I've got ideas and there's forcing myself to write because I feel I need to. I don't want to resent the process of blog making and eventually burn out from making myself do something that just isn't coming right now - the key words in that are "right now". Just because inspiration isn't coming right at this very second, it doesn't mean that I need to give up entirely.

I've put so much pressure on myself recently to find time to blog, that when I've actually sat down with my laptop, I haven't got the faintest idea what to talk about. I've been constantly thinking about when I'm going to blog and not what I'm going to blog, which is ultimately more important. 

Normally, I would see this kind of thing as a failure, my mind would make up some shit excuse as to why this really isn't for me after all. That is 100% NOT true, though. 

I need to take a step back, find inspiration outside of the online world and muse upon what I want to focus my content on next. Inspiration shouldn't be forced, but should be a natural flow - when it becomes forced, that's when you know you need to slow down and reevaluate what's important. 

Books in 2018

17:00


Before my initial inspection, or seeing my year in books on Goodreads, I genuinely thought I'd had a rubbish reading year. I thought that because I hadn't read nearly as much as I'd wanted to at the beginning of the year that I'd almost "failed", and that the books that I had read weren't especially good.

However, upon actually looking at what I've read this year, I've remembered that I actually read some pretty decent books and that I should be proud of what I've done. Just because I only read 20 books and not my initial goal of 50 does not make my reading experience any less valid - even the fact that I wrote "only read 20 books" shows how much it's ingrained in me that reading a large number of books is equal to being a good reader. NO.

 If I would have read 100, 1000 or even just 1 book in the entire year it would have been an achievement because at least I'm reading. Reading is such a wonderful past time, and it upsets me to think that I've spent a lot of the last few years equating the amount of books to how good of a reader I am.

I have set my goal to 30 books this year because I feel it's achievable and I want to make more of a conscious effort to read more. However, if I don't get anywhere near that goal then I'm not going to make a big fuss over it and I'll still be proud of what I've done. I read for pleasure, and I don't find it pleasurable keeping a tight track of my stats, what books I'm reading or how far behind on my Goodreads goal I am. This year if I fancy reading I'll read, and if I don't fancy it then I'll do something else, it's as simple as that. I've vowed to do more of what makes me happy in 2019 and I plan on doing just that.

*ahem* so here's a list of everything that I've read in 2018 - anything in red I didn't finish for one reason or another:

 The Light of the Fireflies - Paul Pen
The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k - Sarah Knight
Elantris - Brandon Sanderson
How to Stop Time - Matt Haig
A Court of Thorns and Roses - Sarah J. Maas
Red Rising - Pierce Brown
Unf*ck Yourself - Gary John Bishop
Renegades - Marissa Meyer
The Vegetarian - Kang Han
Little Black Book - Otegha Uwagba
The Fifth Season - N.K. Jemisin
Ready Player One - Ernest Cline
Furyborn - Claire Legrand
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck - Mark Manson
Strange the Dreamer - Laini Taylor
To All The Boys I've Loved Before - Jenny Han
The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho
The Game of Life and How to Play It - Florence Scovel Shinn
Kafka on the Shore - Haruki Murakami
Your Word is Your Wand - Florence Scovel Shinn

I'm not gonna lie, my memory of the books I read last year is pretty lacking for one reason or another. Other than Ready Player One which was a reread and my favourite book of all time, my favourite books of the year were probably Furyborn and The Alchemist. 

Even though The Alchemist was a fiction book, I read it with a mindset of it being a non-fiction book; it has real life problems and relatable epiphanies in the casing of a fictional world and it was just amazing - I'd heard so many good things about that book so was really happy when I finally got around to reading it. 

I remember what happened in Furyborn and that I absolutely LOVED it, but I can't quite remember how to describe it (if that makes any sense whatsoever). The fact that this is an issue is a reminder to myself to write more book review in 2019 - that'll definitely be a thing. 

Here's to 2019 - finishing books I've already started, creating more of a consistent reading habit and generally enjoying the reading experience more than ever. Chin chin!

2019

13:44



You have no idea how happy I am for the new year. None of this new year new me bullshit here, it's just that December has been by far the worst month of the year for me mentally and physically for a myriad of reasons. We shall not dwell on the negatives though, but look forward to what 2019 has to come!

I want this upcoming year to be the year that I fully start focusing on myself, it's time for me to put myself as number one priority. I've spent too much time in my life focusing on other people that I've just simply forgotten about my own well being. Don't get me wrong, it was never a bad thing to care so much about other people, and that won't change, but it was the way that it was impacting my life in a negative way that was the problem.

Towards the end of December I started some intentional journaling, reflecting on what I wanted to leave behind in 2018 and what I wanted more of in 2019. This is direct from my journal, so some of the phrasing may be written in a more note taking way:

Less of:
Caring what other people think of me
Nobody has any right to judge anything I do, I can make my own decisions and I decide what is right or wrong for me. People don't actually care as much as it feels like they do; the likelihood of someone talking about you constantly is slim.

Being a people pleaser
The only person I want to be bothered about pleasing is myself and that's the only person that really matters right now. Pleasing others isn't benefiting me, it's only increasing the ego of others, and when it isn't reciprocated then it's harmful to my own mental health more than anything.

Being so dependant on my phone
This is the main cause of my anxiety I feel. Constantly checking my phone - have they text me back? How many people liked my photo? Wishing my life was like xyz and comparing myself to them. When I'm not always looking at my phone, my head is a lot clearer and I get a lot more done.

Negative talk
Recently, I've found myself getting more involved in negative talk and I really can feel it affecting my mindset. Stepping away or not getting involved in negative situations, not participating or setting a positive example.

Feeling sorry for myself
No pity parties for one, crying over meaningless things that I have full responsibility in changing. Weighing out the pros and cons and coming to a sensible conclusion. Cutting things at the bud and focusing on myself and a positive mindset. I need to journal or talk away my bad feelings instead of bottling them up.

Staying in and calling it "self care"
Akin to above, moping inside and scrolling through my phone is not a self care day and I need to realise this. I tried to justify myself with self care days this year and it did not help.

Making things up and giving excuses
I'll do it tomorrow, I need to buy x to be able to accomplish this, I need to plan more, I can't be bothered, I don't have a "why". Some of the lame excuses I've made this year that stopped me doing more. I need to force myself and actually make time to do the things that I want to do.

More of:
Visiting new places
I had all these plans in 2018 after I moved to be a tourist in my own home and explore the surrounding areas and I have done none of that. I will plan and action these visits even if I venture out by myself.

Mindfulness
Being aware of myself and how I feel mentally and physically. Checking in with myself regularly in the from of gratitudes, journaling and meditation predominantly. Being aware of how I feel and how different situations are affecting me and making me feel.

Doing more of what I love
...and finding new things that I enjoy. All year I felt I wasn't good enough for the things I enjoy. Reading, blogging, rugby, being creative, going out with friends, meeting new people.

Saying yes to new things
Stop sticking to my comfort zone and try new things. Go out with new people, gain new experiences, push myself to the limit and finally believe in myself.

Letting things go
Don't be afraid to let go of things you once thought would benefit you; friends, relationships, hobbies, ideas, work, etc. Trust that the universe has plans for you and everything happens in its perfect time. Letting go has two meanings - getting rid of bad things and letting go of worries and trusting that whatever's meant to happen will happen.

Checking in with loved ones
I haven't done enough of this which is sad, and I don't want to lose touch with those I care deeply for - when I'm with or talking to these people, I want to be 100% present.

Being more present
Leading on from the above point, I want to be fully present when participating in activities or hanging out with friends and family. Giving everyone my full attention without the distraction of my phone; you don't need to check your phone when you're busy with your loved ones.

The majority of my main "goals" are very personal; they are things things that don't have a final destination point, they can't be ticked off when complete because they are things that I will constantly be working on throughout my life.

One of the main phrases that I want to take into 2019 is "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind" because I feel it encapsulates nicely how I feel and how I want to look after myself. If you have a problem with me putting most of my attention into myself for once then you clearly couldn't care less about me. 

2019 is going to be my SELFISH year, or LESS SELFLESS - whatever way that you wish to see it. Focusing on myself is my top priority, what's yours?