2019

13:44



You have no idea how happy I am for the new year. None of this new year new me bullshit here, it's just that December has been by far the worst month of the year for me mentally and physically for a myriad of reasons. We shall not dwell on the negatives though, but look forward to what 2019 has to come!

I want this upcoming year to be the year that I fully start focusing on myself, it's time for me to put myself as number one priority. I've spent too much time in my life focusing on other people that I've just simply forgotten about my own well being. Don't get me wrong, it was never a bad thing to care so much about other people, and that won't change, but it was the way that it was impacting my life in a negative way that was the problem.

Towards the end of December I started some intentional journaling, reflecting on what I wanted to leave behind in 2018 and what I wanted more of in 2019. This is direct from my journal, so some of the phrasing may be written in a more note taking way:

Less of:
Caring what other people think of me
Nobody has any right to judge anything I do, I can make my own decisions and I decide what is right or wrong for me. People don't actually care as much as it feels like they do; the likelihood of someone talking about you constantly is slim.

Being a people pleaser
The only person I want to be bothered about pleasing is myself and that's the only person that really matters right now. Pleasing others isn't benefiting me, it's only increasing the ego of others, and when it isn't reciprocated then it's harmful to my own mental health more than anything.

Being so dependant on my phone
This is the main cause of my anxiety I feel. Constantly checking my phone - have they text me back? How many people liked my photo? Wishing my life was like xyz and comparing myself to them. When I'm not always looking at my phone, my head is a lot clearer and I get a lot more done.

Negative talk
Recently, I've found myself getting more involved in negative talk and I really can feel it affecting my mindset. Stepping away or not getting involved in negative situations, not participating or setting a positive example.

Feeling sorry for myself
No pity parties for one, crying over meaningless things that I have full responsibility in changing. Weighing out the pros and cons and coming to a sensible conclusion. Cutting things at the bud and focusing on myself and a positive mindset. I need to journal or talk away my bad feelings instead of bottling them up.

Staying in and calling it "self care"
Akin to above, moping inside and scrolling through my phone is not a self care day and I need to realise this. I tried to justify myself with self care days this year and it did not help.

Making things up and giving excuses
I'll do it tomorrow, I need to buy x to be able to accomplish this, I need to plan more, I can't be bothered, I don't have a "why". Some of the lame excuses I've made this year that stopped me doing more. I need to force myself and actually make time to do the things that I want to do.

More of:
Visiting new places
I had all these plans in 2018 after I moved to be a tourist in my own home and explore the surrounding areas and I have done none of that. I will plan and action these visits even if I venture out by myself.

Mindfulness
Being aware of myself and how I feel mentally and physically. Checking in with myself regularly in the from of gratitudes, journaling and meditation predominantly. Being aware of how I feel and how different situations are affecting me and making me feel.

Doing more of what I love
...and finding new things that I enjoy. All year I felt I wasn't good enough for the things I enjoy. Reading, blogging, rugby, being creative, going out with friends, meeting new people.

Saying yes to new things
Stop sticking to my comfort zone and try new things. Go out with new people, gain new experiences, push myself to the limit and finally believe in myself.

Letting things go
Don't be afraid to let go of things you once thought would benefit you; friends, relationships, hobbies, ideas, work, etc. Trust that the universe has plans for you and everything happens in its perfect time. Letting go has two meanings - getting rid of bad things and letting go of worries and trusting that whatever's meant to happen will happen.

Checking in with loved ones
I haven't done enough of this which is sad, and I don't want to lose touch with those I care deeply for - when I'm with or talking to these people, I want to be 100% present.

Being more present
Leading on from the above point, I want to be fully present when participating in activities or hanging out with friends and family. Giving everyone my full attention without the distraction of my phone; you don't need to check your phone when you're busy with your loved ones.

The majority of my main "goals" are very personal; they are things things that don't have a final destination point, they can't be ticked off when complete because they are things that I will constantly be working on throughout my life.

One of the main phrases that I want to take into 2019 is "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind" because I feel it encapsulates nicely how I feel and how I want to look after myself. If you have a problem with me putting most of my attention into myself for once then you clearly couldn't care less about me. 

2019 is going to be my SELFISH year, or LESS SELFLESS - whatever way that you wish to see it. Focusing on myself is my top priority, what's yours?

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