Inspiration shouldn't be forced

15:38


One of my goals for 2019 is to be more consistent with my blog, as I've definitely got more than enough time every day to fit in at least something. However, I've just spent the last 15 minutes forcibly looking for inspiration to strike because I've got the time now - is this right?

There's forcing myself to write when I've got ideas and there's forcing myself to write because I feel I need to. I don't want to resent the process of blog making and eventually burn out from making myself do something that just isn't coming right now - the key words in that are "right now". Just because inspiration isn't coming right at this very second, it doesn't mean that I need to give up entirely.

I've put so much pressure on myself recently to find time to blog, that when I've actually sat down with my laptop, I haven't got the faintest idea what to talk about. I've been constantly thinking about when I'm going to blog and not what I'm going to blog, which is ultimately more important. 

Normally, I would see this kind of thing as a failure, my mind would make up some shit excuse as to why this really isn't for me after all. That is 100% NOT true, though. 

I need to take a step back, find inspiration outside of the online world and muse upon what I want to focus my content on next. Inspiration shouldn't be forced, but should be a natural flow - when it becomes forced, that's when you know you need to slow down and reevaluate what's important. 

Books in 2018

17:00


Before my initial inspection, or seeing my year in books on Goodreads, I genuinely thought I'd had a rubbish reading year. I thought that because I hadn't read nearly as much as I'd wanted to at the beginning of the year that I'd almost "failed", and that the books that I had read weren't especially good.

However, upon actually looking at what I've read this year, I've remembered that I actually read some pretty decent books and that I should be proud of what I've done. Just because I only read 20 books and not my initial goal of 50 does not make my reading experience any less valid - even the fact that I wrote "only read 20 books" shows how much it's ingrained in me that reading a large number of books is equal to being a good reader. NO.

If I would have read 100, 1000 or even just 1 book in the entire year it would have been an achievement because at least I'm reading. Reading is such a wonderful past time, and it upsets me to think that I've spent a lot of the last few years equating the amount of books to how good of a reader I am.

I have set my goal to 30 books this year because I feel it's achievable and I want to make more of a conscious effort to read more. However, if I don't get anywhere near that goal then I'm not going to make a big fuss over it and I'll still be proud of what I've done. I read for pleasure, and I don't find it pleasurable keeping a tight track of my stats, what books I'm reading or how far behind on my Goodreads goal I am. This year if I fancy reading I'll read, and if I don't fancy it then I'll do something else, it's as simple as that. I've vowed to do more of what makes me happy in 2019 and I plan on doing just that.

*ahem* so here's a list of everything that I've read in 2018 - anything in red I didn't finish for one reason or another:

The Light of the Fireflies - Paul Pen
The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k - Sarah Knight
Elantris - Brandon Sanderson
How to Stop Time - Matt Haig
A Court of Thorns and Roses - Sarah J. Maas
Red Rising - Pierce Brown
Unf*ck Yourself - Gary John Bishop
Renegades - Marissa Meyer
The Vegetarian - Kang Han
Little Black Book - Otegha Uwagba
The Fifth Season - N.K. Jemisin
Ready Player One - Ernest Cline
Furyborn - Claire Legrand
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck - Mark Manson
Strange the Dreamer - Laini Taylor
To All The Boys I've Loved Before - Jenny Han
The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho
The Game of Life and How to Play It - Florence Scovel Shinn
Kafka on the Shore - Haruki Murakami
Your Word is Your Wand - Florence Scovel Shinn

I'm not gonna lie, my memory of the books I read last year is pretty lacking for one reason or another. Other than Ready Player One which was a reread and my favourite book of all time, my favourite books of the year were probably Furyborn and The Alchemist

Even though The Alchemist was a fiction book, I read it with a mindset of it being a non-fiction book; it has real life problems and relatable epiphanies in the casing of a fictional world and it was just amazing - I'd heard so many good things about that book so was really happy when I finally got around to reading it. 

I remember what happened in Furyborn and that I absolutely LOVED it, but I can't quite remember how to describe it (if that makes any sense whatsoever). The fact that this is an issue is a reminder to myself to write more book review in 2019 - that'll definitely be a thing. 

Here's to 2019 - finishing books I've already started, creating more of a consistent reading habit and generally enjoying the reading experience more than ever. Chin chin!

2019

13:44



You have no idea how happy I am for the new year. None of this new year new me bullshit here, it's just that December has been by far the worst month of the year for me mentally and physically for a myriad of reasons. We shall not dwell on the negatives though, but look forward to what 2019 has to come!

I want this upcoming year to be the year that I fully start focusing on myself, it's time for me to put myself as number one priority. I've spent too much time in my life focusing on other people that I've just simply forgotten about my own well being. Don't get me wrong, it was never a bad thing to care so much about other people, and that won't change, but it was the way that it was impacting my life in a negative way that was the problem.

Towards the end of December I started some intentional journaling, reflecting on what I wanted to leave behind in 2018 and what I wanted more of in 2019. This is direct from my journal, so some of the phrasing may be written in a more note taking way:

Less of:
Caring what other people think of me
Nobody has any right to judge anything I do, I can make my own decisions and I decide what is right or wrong for me. People don't actually care as much as it feels like they do; the likelihood of someone talking about you constantly is slim.

Being a people pleaser
The only person I want to be bothered about pleasing is myself and that's the only person that really matters right now. Pleasing others isn't benefiting me, it's only increasing the ego of others, and when it isn't reciprocated then it's harmful to my own mental health more than anything.

Being so dependant on my phone
This is the main cause of my anxiety I feel. Constantly checking my phone - have they text me back? How many people liked my photo? Wishing my life was like xyz and comparing myself to them. When I'm not always looking at my phone, my head is a lot clearer and I get a lot more done.

Negative talk
Recently, I've found myself getting more involved in negative talk and I really can feel it affecting my mindset. Stepping away or not getting involved in negative situations, not participating or setting a positive example.

Feeling sorry for myself
No pity parties for one, crying over meaningless things that I have full responsibility in changing. Weighing out the pros and cons and coming to a sensible conclusion. Cutting things at the bud and focusing on myself and a positive mindset. I need to journal or talk away my bad feelings instead of bottling them up.

Staying in and calling it "self care"
Akin to above, moping inside and scrolling through my phone is not a self care day and I need to realise this. I tried to justify myself with self care days this year and it did not help.

Making things up and giving excuses
I'll do it tomorrow, I need to buy x to be able to accomplish this, I need to plan more, I can't be bothered, I don't have a "why". Some of the lame excuses I've made this year that stopped me doing more. I need to force myself and actually make time to do the things that I want to do.

More of:
Visiting new places
I had all these plans in 2018 after I moved to be a tourist in my own home and explore the surrounding areas and I have done none of that. I will plan and action these visits even if I venture out by myself.

Mindfulness
Being aware of myself and how I feel mentally and physically. Checking in with myself regularly in the from of gratitudes, journaling and meditation predominantly. Being aware of how I feel and how different situations are affecting me and making me feel.

Doing more of what I love
...and finding new things that I enjoy. All year I felt I wasn't good enough for the things I enjoy. Reading, blogging, rugby, being creative, going out with friends, meeting new people.

Saying yes to new things
Stop sticking to my comfort zone and try new things. Go out with new people, gain new experiences, push myself to the limit and finally believe in myself.

Letting things go
Don't be afraid to let go of things you once thought would benefit you; friends, relationships, hobbies, ideas, work, etc. Trust that the universe has plans for you and everything happens in its perfect time. Letting go has two meanings - getting rid of bad things and letting go of worries and trusting that whatever's meant to happen will happen.

Checking in with loved ones
I haven't done enough of this which is sad, and I don't want to lose touch with those I care deeply for - when I'm with or talking to these people, I want to be 100% present.

Being more present
Leading on from the above point, I want to be fully present when participating in activities or hanging out with friends and family. Giving everyone my full attention without the distraction of my phone; you don't need to check your phone when you're busy with your loved ones.

The majority of my main "goals" are very personal; they are things things that don't have a final destination point, they can't be ticked off when complete because they are things that I will constantly be working on throughout my life.

One of the main phrases that I want to take into 2019 is "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind" because I feel it encapsulates nicely how I feel and how I want to look after myself. If you have a problem with me putting most of my attention into myself for once then you clearly couldn't care less about me. 

2019 is going to be my SELFISH year, or LESS SELFLESS - whatever way that you wish to see it. Focusing on myself is my top priority, what's yours?