Deleting Social Media

16:34


It's been absolutely chucking it down with rain all day, and this afternoon I really wanted to get out, so my Mum and I went for a quick lunch. Our meals arrived, and mine looked super pretty that I knew I just had to take a photograph, and then I realised something. I deactivated my Facebook account earlier on in the day and deleted the Instagram app from my phone, so I had absolutely nowhere to post this picture of my food!

Now, I know this is the epitome of every millennial's first world struggles, but it really got me thinking. 

Why do we need to take share a photo of something to prove that we did it? I always used to joke with my friends and say, "If you don't take a photo of your food, did you really eat it?, but you can really take this into any element of life though. Whether that's the obligatory airport check in, the "look who I bumped into" selfie with that friend you haven't seen in a long time, or even making your relationship status "Facebook official". 

Does anyone really care though? I know I don't, reaaaally. Think about it this way; when you're scrolling through your socials, do you really take the time to properly read through someones status before liking it, for example? Most people, including me, just skim through their feed liking things here and there and often only liking things to get the attention of other people.

Why? What's happened to real life communication? Have we lost the ability to socialise in person? 

Social media has changed SO much in recent years and we've grown to become almost dependant on it - it gives us instant gratification. We hear the ding of a notification or a message, and even if we're busy with a group of people we have to know what's going on, and I for one, will have this nagging voice in the back of my mind willing me to check, when I know deep down I should be present with the company I am with.

I deleted the Facebook and Instagram apps off my phone yesterday - the Instagram one was easy, but I knew Facebook would be a much tougher challenge. After doing this, I picked up on the fact that I kept going to check my Facebook, only to realise that it had gone, and I'll admit, I'm still repeating this even now. I have this habit of "quickly" checking Facebook when I've got a spare moment, and it's going to be hard to get out of the habit because of how deeply ingrained it is. This morning, after not checking my Facebook at all last night on a web browser, I went to see if anything had changed.

I had ONE notification!

It made me realise that nothing actually happens between each check of my socials...okay...nothing might be an exaggeration but barely anything of any worth happens anyways, you know what I mean! With this in mind I just made the decision to deactivate my Facebook. I'm not saying that it's going to be a permanent thing, but I'm going to try a week to start off with. I want to learn how to be more disciplined with my consumption of social media and consequently learn how to be more productive in other areas and see how I get on.

Dealing with stress at work

11:54


My work life over the past few months has been stressful to say the least, and I'm not gonna lie, I've struggled mentally and physically because of it. Luckily, I was able to squeeze in a holiday around my birthday in February, but I know that I can't always book a holiday to get away from stressful situations, as much as I wish I could. 

I've really had to up my mindset game because of everything that's gone on, and I'll tell you now, it hasn't been easy. I've questioned my choice of career, I've questioned my choice of workplace, I've considered walking out on shift, and I've had multiple mini breakdowns of tears whilst at work. It's been bloody hard to put it lightly, but I'm still alive, still breathing, and it's the little pieces of happiness that I need to hold onto in times like this.

Whenever I've been getting into stressful situations, I've turned to journaling - writing about the positives of my situation. So when I start to have doubts, I write reasons why I absolutely love working in a pub: 

❣️ I love the banter and the chats with the regular customers.
❣️ I love working with my friends, as working with people you love really makes all the difference.
❣️ I love knowing that I've made someones special day (birthday/anniversary/etc) memorable.
❣️ I love the fact that I work a social job because I enjoy meeting with new people.
❣️ I love that I often get to have half days as well as days off where I can get other stuff done.
❣️ I love when customers say a joke that I haven't heard before.
❣️ I love the fact that my job is never the same each day.
❣️ I love that I work an active job. 
❣️ I love that I get free food and drink occasionally.
❣️ I love McDonald's runs after work when we've had a stressful day.
❣️ I love discounts on food and drink.
❣️ I love that I'm good at what I do.
❣️ I love that I can use work as an escapism of sorts, as I enjoy what I do.
❣️ I love getting tips.
❣️ I love the fact that our pub is dog friendly.
❣️ I love polite children.
❣️ I love seeing happy customers.

On the contrary, I've also gotten into the habit of getting everything out of my head and into my journal no matter how negative it is - I'd rather rant everything out onto paper and get it out there, than have it stuck in my head all day clogging up the space that I need for my positive energy. 

I can remember the exact moment that my mindset did a complete 180 with regards to work, though. I was sat in Starbucks on my day off just checking my phone, starting to think about writing a blog post, when I received a message from my colleague:

"Are you able to cover my shift tonight? I'm throwing up!" 
My heart sunk. 

This was my first day off in a while, and although I'd already made plans to go out later on that day with my Dad, I felt obligated to say yes, and guilty that I actually said no. Then it hit me; on all of my days off I'm always subconsciously waiting for a message asking me to cover someone, I'm always waiting for something to go wrong, or for someone to message me asking me what I did to make xyz happen.

I went to my car and cried. I didn't cry because I was sad about being messaged, I cried because I was upset about how work was making me feel.

With everything that's going on at work at the moment I'm still half waiting for a load of texts to come my way but I've learnt how to handle it in my head, and I've learnt how to say no. I'm learning how to not feel guilty about it still, but I need rest too and it's not my responsibility to cover everyone - I HAVE to say no sometimes as I can't be expected by anyone to be there all day every day - I'm not super human!

I still often worry on my days off, but I'm learning each day to take things slow and to try and distance myself from that worry. I'm now able to easily identify when it's work that's making me feel like shit so I can accept that it's happened and purposely step away from the thoughts so I can put my energy and feelings elsewhere. It's going to be a long and slow process but I'll get there eventually..

Validating Yourself

18:00


YOUR SELF WORTH ISN'T DEFINED BY SOMEBODY ELSE! 
Let's say that a little bit louder for the people at the back.

This is something that I need to drum into my head a little more too, to be honest. I'm a people pleaser, I like to be praised by someone else, I like people to appreciate, and tell me that they appreciate my worth. I work my best when someone tells me I'm doing a good job, or tells me that they think I'm capable of doing this, that and the other - it makes me feel good. Why can't I feel this way by myself though? Why do I need somebody else in my life to validate me? Why can't I validate myself?

I should be doing things off my own back, I should be doing things because I want to do it, not because other people think I'll be good at it. I should be writing my own destiny, doing things that I love and am passionate about out of pure drive for my own success. I need to learn to be happy by myself, and I need to learn to love myself.

I spend a stupidly large amount of time thinking about whether x, y or z likes me, why they haven't text me back, or why they never make the effort with me that I do with them. I spend all this time in lingering thoughts over these things that I just quite simply can't control, when I should be spending my time more pro-actively pursuing my dreams - this is why, 9 times out of 10, I get massively distracted. 

I care more about what other people think of me than what I'm actually doing with my life because I have it in my head that these people being in my life is what will make me happy. Sure, they're great people, and I enjoy having these friends in my life, but they're getting on with their lives, so why shouldn't I get on with my life too. I'm not saying that these people have perfect lives and they don't have their own problems and insecurities, but those are things they need to deal with the same way that I need to deal with my own ones too. 

I'm starting to learn how to focus on what I'm doing and to follow my dreams. It's a process, and my dreams right now might adapt and change, but I'll never find that out if I just stay where I am in this destructive whirlpool of self-pity and anxious thoughts. It doesn't matter what anyone else is doing, saying, achieving, or even thinking; none of it affects you, and none of it is anything that you can change. The only thing that you can change is yourself; what you're doing, saying, achieving and thinking. Stop worrying about things that you can't control, and start worrying about yourself and your own well being, make yourself your number one priority and start doing everything that you want to do.

Perfection

14:58


Perfectionism is definitely what's been stopping me from blogging recently, and it's something that's affecting more than just my blogging aspirations. I know deep down that I'll only learn and get better by DOING, but I just haven't been able to step over that hurdle as of late. 

I get my laptop out.
Open a blank writing space.
Stare at the screen for 5 minutes.
Give up.

It's not like I don't WANT to succeed in what I love, it's that I don't want to disappoint myself with being bad at something. I'm afraid of being a beginner and for things to go wrong. I'm afraid I'm not being good enough to keep up with everyone else. I'm afraid I'll disappoint myself. The last one is the biggest fear for me, disappointing myself - I'm my own worst enemy and critic when it comes to doing anything with my life, and I have to constantly fight with my brain to do anything without feeling like a failure.

However, upon speaking to a friend of mine recently who's extremely successful in her side hustle, I've come to realise that I CAN do anything that I put my mind to; I just need the motivation and the drive to do it every day. She is no different than me and if anything she has more on her plate than I do, juggling a part-time job, her side hustle and her four kids. We're not comparing lives here, as everyone has different things on their plate even if they might not be so obvious, but we're all human, and we're all capable of achieving whatever we put our minds to.

Nothing has to be perfect straight away, heck, nothing is perfect FULLSTOP. Perfection is just an illusion that's been put on us by society; something completely unattainable, something that's not even real in most senses. Let's take social media for example - we scroll through our feeds, constantly looking at those who we aspire to be like; their bodies, their houses, where they go out to eat, etc. Social media is just a highlight reel of somebody's life and I know for a fact that no matter how confident someone is, everyone has their insecurities, down days, and everyone just feels like shit every now and then, but they're not gonna post that on their social media streams because that would more than likely ruin their "aesthetic". 

I need to stop thinking that I'm not good enough and actually start trying for once, and that starts with this blog. 

Watch this space...

Inspiration shouldn't be forced

15:38


One of my goals for 2019 is to be more consistent with my blog, as I've definitely got more than enough time every day to fit in at least something. However, I've just spent the last 15 minutes forcibly looking for inspiration to strike because I've got the time now - is this right?

There's forcing myself to write when I've got ideas and there's forcing myself to write because I feel I need to. I don't want to resent the process of blog making and eventually burn out from making myself do something that just isn't coming right now - the key words in that are "right now". Just because inspiration isn't coming right at this very second, it doesn't mean that I need to give up entirely.

I've put so much pressure on myself recently to find time to blog, that when I've actually sat down with my laptop, I haven't got the faintest idea what to talk about. I've been constantly thinking about when I'm going to blog and not what I'm going to blog, which is ultimately more important. 

Normally, I would see this kind of thing as a failure, my mind would make up some shit excuse as to why this really isn't for me after all. That is 100% NOT true, though. 

I need to take a step back, find inspiration outside of the online world and muse upon what I want to focus my content on next. Inspiration shouldn't be forced, but should be a natural flow - when it becomes forced, that's when you know you need to slow down and reevaluate what's important. 

Books in 2018

17:00


Before my initial inspection, or seeing my year in books on Goodreads, I genuinely thought I'd had a rubbish reading year. I thought that because I hadn't read nearly as much as I'd wanted to at the beginning of the year that I'd almost "failed", and that the books that I had read weren't especially good.

However, upon actually looking at what I've read this year, I've remembered that I actually read some pretty decent books and that I should be proud of what I've done. Just because I only read 20 books and not my initial goal of 50 does not make my reading experience any less valid - even the fact that I wrote "only read 20 books" shows how much it's ingrained in me that reading a large number of books is equal to being a good reader. NO.

 If I would have read 100, 1000 or even just 1 book in the entire year it would have been an achievement because at least I'm reading. Reading is such a wonderful past time, and it upsets me to think that I've spent a lot of the last few years equating the amount of books to how good of a reader I am.

I have set my goal to 30 books this year because I feel it's achievable and I want to make more of a conscious effort to read more. However, if I don't get anywhere near that goal then I'm not going to make a big fuss over it and I'll still be proud of what I've done. I read for pleasure, and I don't find it pleasurable keeping a tight track of my stats, what books I'm reading or how far behind on my Goodreads goal I am. This year if I fancy reading I'll read, and if I don't fancy it then I'll do something else, it's as simple as that. I've vowed to do more of what makes me happy in 2019 and I plan on doing just that.

*ahem* so here's a list of everything that I've read in 2018 - anything in red I didn't finish for one reason or another:

 The Light of the Fireflies - Paul Pen
The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k - Sarah Knight
Elantris - Brandon Sanderson
How to Stop Time - Matt Haig
A Court of Thorns and Roses - Sarah J. Maas
Red Rising - Pierce Brown
Unf*ck Yourself - Gary John Bishop
Renegades - Marissa Meyer
The Vegetarian - Kang Han
Little Black Book - Otegha Uwagba
The Fifth Season - N.K. Jemisin
Ready Player One - Ernest Cline
Furyborn - Claire Legrand
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck - Mark Manson
Strange the Dreamer - Laini Taylor
To All The Boys I've Loved Before - Jenny Han
The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho
The Game of Life and How to Play It - Florence Scovel Shinn
Kafka on the Shore - Haruki Murakami
Your Word is Your Wand - Florence Scovel Shinn

I'm not gonna lie, my memory of the books I read last year is pretty lacking for one reason or another. Other than Ready Player One which was a reread and my favourite book of all time, my favourite books of the year were probably Furyborn and The Alchemist. 

Even though The Alchemist was a fiction book, I read it with a mindset of it being a non-fiction book; it has real life problems and relatable epiphanies in the casing of a fictional world and it was just amazing - I'd heard so many good things about that book so was really happy when I finally got around to reading it. 

I remember what happened in Furyborn and that I absolutely LOVED it, but I can't quite remember how to describe it (if that makes any sense whatsoever). The fact that this is an issue is a reminder to myself to write more book review in 2019 - that'll definitely be a thing. 

Here's to 2019 - finishing books I've already started, creating more of a consistent reading habit and generally enjoying the reading experience more than ever. Chin chin!

2019

13:44



You have no idea how happy I am for the new year. None of this new year new me bullshit here, it's just that December has been by far the worst month of the year for me mentally and physically for a myriad of reasons. We shall not dwell on the negatives though, but look forward to what 2019 has to come!

I want this upcoming year to be the year that I fully start focusing on myself, it's time for me to put myself as number one priority. I've spent too much time in my life focusing on other people that I've just simply forgotten about my own well being. Don't get me wrong, it was never a bad thing to care so much about other people, and that won't change, but it was the way that it was impacting my life in a negative way that was the problem.

Towards the end of December I started some intentional journaling, reflecting on what I wanted to leave behind in 2018 and what I wanted more of in 2019. This is direct from my journal, so some of the phrasing may be written in a more note taking way:

Less of:
Caring what other people think of me
Nobody has any right to judge anything I do, I can make my own decisions and I decide what is right or wrong for me. People don't actually care as much as it feels like they do; the likelihood of someone talking about you constantly is slim.

Being a people pleaser
The only person I want to be bothered about pleasing is myself and that's the only person that really matters right now. Pleasing others isn't benefiting me, it's only increasing the ego of others, and when it isn't reciprocated then it's harmful to my own mental health more than anything.

Being so dependant on my phone
This is the main cause of my anxiety I feel. Constantly checking my phone - have they text me back? How many people liked my photo? Wishing my life was like xyz and comparing myself to them. When I'm not always looking at my phone, my head is a lot clearer and I get a lot more done.

Negative talk
Recently, I've found myself getting more involved in negative talk and I really can feel it affecting my mindset. Stepping away or not getting involved in negative situations, not participating or setting a positive example.

Feeling sorry for myself
No pity parties for one, crying over meaningless things that I have full responsibility in changing. Weighing out the pros and cons and coming to a sensible conclusion. Cutting things at the bud and focusing on myself and a positive mindset. I need to journal or talk away my bad feelings instead of bottling them up.

Staying in and calling it "self care"
Akin to above, moping inside and scrolling through my phone is not a self care day and I need to realise this. I tried to justify myself with self care days this year and it did not help.

Making things up and giving excuses
I'll do it tomorrow, I need to buy x to be able to accomplish this, I need to plan more, I can't be bothered, I don't have a "why". Some of the lame excuses I've made this year that stopped me doing more. I need to force myself and actually make time to do the things that I want to do.

More of:
Visiting new places
I had all these plans in 2018 after I moved to be a tourist in my own home and explore the surrounding areas and I have done none of that. I will plan and action these visits even if I venture out by myself.

Mindfulness
Being aware of myself and how I feel mentally and physically. Checking in with myself regularly in the from of gratitudes, journaling and meditation predominantly. Being aware of how I feel and how different situations are affecting me and making me feel.

Doing more of what I love
...and finding new things that I enjoy. All year I felt I wasn't good enough for the things I enjoy. Reading, blogging, rugby, being creative, going out with friends, meeting new people.

Saying yes to new things
Stop sticking to my comfort zone and try new things. Go out with new people, gain new experiences, push myself to the limit and finally believe in myself.

Letting things go
Don't be afraid to let go of things you once thought would benefit you; friends, relationships, hobbies, ideas, work, etc. Trust that the universe has plans for you and everything happens in its perfect time. Letting go has two meanings - getting rid of bad things and letting go of worries and trusting that whatever's meant to happen will happen.

Checking in with loved ones
I haven't done enough of this which is sad, and I don't want to lose touch with those I care deeply for - when I'm with or talking to these people, I want to be 100% present.

Being more present
Leading on from the above point, I want to be fully present when participating in activities or hanging out with friends and family. Giving everyone my full attention without the distraction of my phone; you don't need to check your phone when you're busy with your loved ones.

The majority of my main "goals" are very personal; they are things things that don't have a final destination point, they can't be ticked off when complete because they are things that I will constantly be working on throughout my life.

One of the main phrases that I want to take into 2019 is "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind" because I feel it encapsulates nicely how I feel and how I want to look after myself. If you have a problem with me putting most of my attention into myself for once then you clearly couldn't care less about me. 

2019 is going to be my SELFISH year, or LESS SELFLESS - whatever way that you wish to see it. Focusing on myself is my top priority, what's yours?