The SAD Diaries | #2

21:24

The SAD diaries is a documentation of my experiences, feelings and thoughts in combating season affective disorder (SAD). 
For previous posts, click here.

So I'm updating you pretty soon after my first post in this series because I've felt a massive shift even after a few days, and I just want to share how excited I am to be feeling this way.

The shift in attitude I've had over the past few days has been HUGE. It's like feeling down and depressed has given me the motivation I need to start doing the things I've been wanting to do for such a long time - it's given me a reason to start. I know I should have found the motivation in myself, but you know what? How I got here doesn't matter, as long as I'm feeling this way now. 

I've actually started doing, I've started pressing forward on my action plans instead of thinking about them over and over in my head. Perfectionism is part of my anxiety, and I'm starting to finally start to realise that there is no perfect time to do anything, there is no perfect way to do anything, and that you actually have to just start before you can think of improving. How can you improve on something that you don't know how good you are at? 

I'm not saying that my anxiety has stopped completely due to this attitude shift, but it's definitely calmed down a lot, and I've found myself completely forgetting the things that I was previously worrying about. I feel as though I'm in a better place already and I'm only at the beginning of my journey. The difficult part is going to be pushing through the tough times when eventually I'll have a down day. I'm not saying this to be negative, I'm saying this to be real, because let's be honest, absolutely nobody is 100% happy and positive all the time - we all go through down days. It's how you deal with those down days that makes all the difference; am I going to break down and give up, or am I going to realise that it's just one day, pick myself up and carry on because I've been doing amazingly?

Previously, I mentioned that I wanted to implement exercise into my routine and I am extremely proud to say that I've been running for a week straight so far. This is a MASSIVE deal to someone who only normally does one day of exercise and gives up until the next year. I've been getting into the habit of waking up, putting on my exercise clothes and just going out - it's got to the stage now, where I don't want to let myself down by missing a day and, to be honest, I look forward to getting outside and moving my body now. 

The third day was the real test for me because on the previous night, I only got to sleep around 3AM and I had work at 12PM. My head was telling me to get a bit more sleep, that it wouldn't matter if I missed one day, but my body just kept on waking me up to the point that I just took control, got out of bed and went out for my run. I made a conscious decision that day to go out despite not wanting to, and it made me feel all the better for conquering something that would have previously made me sleep as long as I could. That run actually made me feel amazing and was definitely the wake up I needed that day.

Over the past couple of days, I've been using the Headspace meditation app on my runs which has helped me become more mindful when I'm out. Andy Puddicombe (the voice behind Headspace) is joined by Chris Bennett (Nike Running's global head coach) where they guides you through your running experience with encouragement, tips, and the realisation that you don't need to push yourself to exhaustion to have a good run. Headspace is meditation orientated, but I would class the running exercises on the app to be more of a mindful guidance than a meditation. It's a healthy alternative to just listening to some upbeat tunes on your headphones but I'll try and go into this in more detail in another blog post when I've had a bit more experience with it.

I'm so happy with how far I've come in only a few days that it just makes me even more excited to carry on and see what I can accomplish for myself and my mental and physical health.

The SAD Diaries | #1

15:01


Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is something that I've struggled with for the past few years. Admittedly, I've never been officially diagnosed by a doctor, but I get these depressive episodes when the clocks go back, the days become shorter, and we don't get as much light in the day.

According to the NHS website the symptoms of sad include:

▸  A persistent low mood
▸  A loss of pleasure or interest in normal everyday activities
▸  Irritability
▸  Feelings of despair, guilt and worthlessness
▸  Feeling lethargic (lacking in energy) and sleepy during the day
▸  Sleeping for longer than normal and finding it hard to get up in the morning
▸  Craving carbohydrates and gaining weight

Normally, these feelings come out of nowhere for me as I generally always forget that I feel like this every year, for some reason. However, this year I knew it was coming but I just didn't know when it was going to start.

I only noticed it after the fact, but over the past couple of days on my days off from work I have been laying in the same position on the sofa all day; scrolling the same feeds, attempting to read, playing phone games, watching Netflix, and occasionally napping. I just had absolutely zero motivation to do anything or even to get up out of my position on the sofa; my whole body felt lethargic despite getting more than enough sleep. I barely wanted to exert energy to eat, let alone do anything remotely productive, and I was more than happy to sit in my own misery for the entire day and label it a "self-care day" when it was anything but one of those. 

Now I know that I'm in a SAD rut, I'm going to do everything in my power to combat it and nip it in the bud. I have a tendency to research and research the hell out of my problems but never end up actioning anything into my life, so this time I'm going to just start. 

I'm going to document my findings, what I've tried, and how I'm feeling. I'm going to start off with exercise - this is something that I've been wanting to implement into my life for quite a while now, but like most things, it's just been a thought in my head that never came to fruition because I didn't have the motivation. My motivation, my "why" for doing all of this is to help myself feel better, to not feel sorry for myself everyday, and to beat this depressive season, so I now have a reason to get ot of bed in the morning which is something that I've previously never had.

Let's be honest here, I've never stuck at any sort of exercise for more than about 2 days before I gave up or can't be bothered anymore - I'll do it tomorrow, was a common catchphrase of mine, but of course, tomorrow never comes. I'm keeping myself accountable by posting daily pictures of my runs on Facebook and by documenting my SAD journey here on my blog and I want this to be something that I actually do stick to.

I know I say this a lot but as much as I want to nip SAD in the bud, I also want to end 2018 the way that I want 2019 to start, and that is gonna begin with creating some good habits and breaking some bad ones. 

I'll check in with you again, soon.

Controlling Your Reactions

13:08


When something bad happens to me, the natural thing to do is to be immediately negative. A reaction like this can ruin an entire day for me; I could have had the best day ever, but as soon as one tiny bad things happen my whole day comes spiralling downwards. 

Was it a bad day? Or was it a bad 5 minutes, that you milked all day?

I've been trying to get back into a positive mindset in this regard; one where I focus on the positive, or realise that I'm over dramatising a situation that isn't actually that bad. Oftentimes, I'm making a big deal out of nothing, and when I talk to certain friends about it they help me realise that. I'm trying to get into the habit of not making any rash, in the moment decisions that are mainly caused by my anxiety brain, but instead being calm and rationally thinking about the situation and how I'm reacting to it.

Your problem isn't the problem, your reaction is the problem.

They say that life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it, and I'm trying to control my thoughts in this way. The more time I give to my negative thoughts, the more it affects my day and my well being. Recently, whenever I've felt negative about a situation, I've written out every single one of my feelings in my journal to vent, and I'll tell you what, it's been the best habit that I've started adopting.

As soon as I write everything out on paper I feel like a massive weight has been lifted, I feel a lot calmer, and I just generally find the exercise extremely therapeutic. I may not be talking to anyone, but just getting it out in the open is just what the doctor ordered. Sometimes writing everything out helps you realise what you're actually feeling. I used to not write out certain things in my journal that I was thinking deep down because if I fully admitted to them then it would mean that I actually believed in them, but when I did, it helped me deal with those situations better.

When I don't have the time to write things down in negative situation, instead, I've been taking a moment to think to myself and breathe:

▸ Can I change anything?
▸ What's a positive I can take away from this?
▸ Does it really matter?
▸ Are you going to let it ruin your day?

Sometimes it's hard to just let it go, but you just have to try and release it from your mind and carry on. It's going to be natural for your mind to wander back to those negative thoughts, but be strong and keep going back to those questions if needs be.

The Time I Forgot My Phone

21:03


I went on a long overdue friend date this afternoon, when disaster struck. When our food arrived, oh my gosh it looked so pretty that I had to take a picture - I started to rummage around in my bag for my phone and...it wasn't there!

*Cue the mini panic attack*

I knew I'd left it in the car, so the first thought my anxiety brain told me was that my car was going to get broken into and my phone was going to get stolen - I just couldn't shift that image from my head. The next thought was that I didn't have my phone; the object that doesn't leave my side, the photo taker of the pretty foods, my security. My friend actually suggested that we go back to the car to check that it was there, but I dismissed that with my final thought that was one from the rational side of my brain that puts things into perspective - this is a chance to fully immerse myself in what I'm doing without my phone distracting me. I also realised that the anxiety side of me was just over dramatising the situation, and the likelihood of my phone being stolen was quite slim in a multi-storey car park.

This was the mini phone detox that I've been wanting to do, but have been too scared to fully do. It just happened unexpectedly, which was probably the best way, as it forced me into it without me having to convince myself to do it. 

Don't get me wrong it was definitely hard, I kept going to get my phone and then realising it wasn't there - to take a photo, to check the time, to check if I was popular. I love how we validate ourselves over how many people message us in a day, when in the grand scheme of things, who actually cares? The hardest time was when my friend went to the toilet, what do you do when you're alone in a  public place without a phone? You just appreciate where you are, what you've got, enjoy the surroundings, and even people watch a little, maybe.

I'll tell you what though, the one time when I didn't have my phone, was the time that every single one of my three courses looked absolutely amazing, but you know what? Who cares? I'm always the one that jokingly says "If you didn't take a picture of your food, did you really eat it?" but I can definitely appreciate something without having photographic evidence that it happened, and so can you. 

Luckily, my phone was in the car as I anticipated, and no, nobody had broken in to steal it - bad anxiety brain creating over dramatic scenarios in my head. I had 3 messages when I checked my Whatsapp, but I think I was more worried about my phone being stolen more than how many people had messaged me by that point to be honest. 

It was wonderful to not have to worry about anything apart from where I was, who I was with and what I was eating. Pardon the pun, but it's definitely food for thought when it comes to future endeavours with friends, and I'm going to try a phone or social media detox at some point in the future too. Could you and do you go without your phone sometimes?

Working On Myself

09:00


I've been thinking a lot recently about how I don't have any goals of things I want to achieve - maybe I'm not entirely sure what it is that I want to do with my life, but sometimes I think I put my lack of goals on a pedestal and give it too much time in my head. Some people a hell of a lot older than me still don't know what they want to do with their lives, and do you know what? It doesn't matter. 
Life if a journey, not a race.

I've decided that instead of scouring my mind constantly, trying to figure out what it is that I want to do, I should just work on myself first. I know that inspiration will strike when it's supposed to strike in it's own perfect timing, and you can't rush what's meant to be. If my mind isn't in the right place and if I'm not content with myself, then anything that I hypothetically pursue will, again, fizzle out before it's started.

So, here's 3 goals that I have come up with to work on myself:

1. Reflect
Recently I've been getting back into journaling in a big way. Every day I've been trying to write 10 gratitudes in the morning, 5 wins of the day in the evening, a list of affirmations twice a day and journaling my thoughts and feelings when I feel it's necessary. The other day, I got really fed up with everything and literally wrote 4 pages of how I was feeling and what was on my mind, and honestly, it was one of the most therapeutic and best things I'd done in a while. 

I want to reflect more on my life; what's good, what's bad, how I'm feeling, what's going through my head, my doubts, fears, excitement and joy. I want to find out what makes me tick, and if it can help my mental health too in the process then that's a bonus. This will be a daily activity to help me focus and realign myself.

2. Prioritise myself
I've spent too much time in the past caring too much about what other people think of me, how I come across to other people, and just apologising too much so that people wouldn't hate me. I rely on constant attention and validation to make myself feel good, when I should be finding that in myself - the like-to-be-liked complex. In this vain, I want to prioritise myself in every way, whether it be physical or mental - I need to do more things that I enjoy, learn to say no, take time for myself, look after my body, and just generally learn to not care what people think of me.

3. Blog my experiences
Whilst I've been trying to focus on myself a lot more I've never stopped thinking about the want to blog, and if you can't stop thinking about it, then maybe you should start putting your thoughts into action. I thought what better way to continue with my blogging than to document my experiences working on myself - it gives me a space to look back on how far I've come and share the ups and downs of my journey.

Initially when I was thinking about doing this, I had some doubts in my head, but instead of dwelling on them, I came up with 10 positives to doing this for myself and for the blogging community:

▸ I love helping others, and if it can help at least one person, I'll be happy
▸ People can follow my journey of self discovery as they go along with theirs
▸ It's relatable 
▸ It'll encourage me to carry on and practise what I preach
▸ It'll improved my well being and mental health 
▸ It's vulnerable
▸ It's what I feel the urge to do
▸ I'm passionate about personal development
▸ I'm passionate about helping people live their best lives
▸ I'm a big cheerleader for other peoples successes

I want to implement these things into my life for the rest of 2018 at least, and then we'll see where we're at then. I want to end this year on a positive note, and I don't want to just wait for 2019 to start making new goals. I want to start NOW. It's never too late to start working on yourself.

What's Meant To Be Will Find A Way

18:00


"What's meant to be will find a way" 
This is a quote that I've always had trouble getting my head around, don't get me wrong, I understand what it means, but I just can't action it into my life. I like to be in control of everything, and I have trouble realising sometimes that I can't control everything around me.

Sometimes I like to write lists of everything that is bothering me and cross out the things that I physically can't control. With these things that I have absolutely NO control over whatsoever, I'm learning to try and let them go and to stop worrying about them; does so and so like me, what do they think of me, do they think I'm annoying? When you have anxiety this is especially hard, but I've found that writing down all my thoughts and feelings on paper in a stream of consciousness is very therapeutic when it comes to clearing your head.

I normally chase after the answers to these questions if I feel I'm out of control, but this isn't the way.

This morning, I wrote down all my worries, but I followed it by writing that I will be leaving all of this with the Universe and that if it's meant to be it will be, and if it's not then that's okay too. I just need to get on with things now, focus on myself, and remember that what's meant to be will find a way.


Manifest and Leave Behind

18:00


I wanted to start my month off strong and put into place my end of year plans with some intentional journalling. I feel like there is no real definition to "intentional journalling" (I've tried searching), but I see it as a way of finding yourself through self-reflective writing - asking yourself the nitty-gritty questions that you're almost afraid to answer, being true to your feelings, and just getting everything out from your head onto paper. 

Coincidentally, this morning my friend Shelby screenshotted me a picture of an intentional journalling exercise for the start of the month and it was PERFECT. 

You get two pieces of paper - on one, you write down everything you'd like to leave behind; any bad habits, negativity, distractions or things that cause you pain. Burn this piece of paper. On the second, you write everything you want to manifest; for yourself, loved ones, things you want to make room for, things you want to improve. Store this piece of paper in a safe place.

I'm going to be completely open and candid in my blogs so I will share what I wrote on both bits of paper with you for inspiration:

LEAVE BEHIND
🌑Constantly checking my phone
🌑Needing Validation from other people
🌑Worrying about boys
🌑Not focusing on myself
🌑Scrolling social media aimlessly
🌑Negative self-talk
🌑Sitting around doing nothing
🌑Sleeping in late
🌑Not doing anything
🌑Caring what others think
🌑Waiting by the phone
🌑Not being confident in my decisions
🌑Not taking enough time for myself
🌑Being Lazy

MANIFEST
🌕Motivation
🌕Drive
🌕Purpose
🌕Passion
🌕Confidence
🌕Earlier starts
🌕Doing things I enjoy
🌕Reading
🌕Blogging
🌕Positivity/mindset work
🌕Productivity
🌕Self-care
🌕Being content
🌕Success
🌕Cleanliness
🌕Meditation
🌕Gratitudes
🌕Drink more water
🌕More love less hate
🌕Compassion
🌕Focus

One of my biggest problems is letting go of my problems and trusting that the universe will work everything out for me. I always get caught up in my own head and my own thoughts trying to figure things out (thanks, anxiety). However, this exercise has been massively refreshing for me, and I'm trying to put more trust in myself and the universe - it's not going to be easy, but I've got to start to process somewhere.