I've been wanting to write this post for quite a while now, but haven't felt that I could find the right words to portray how I feel - and that right there is an example of how I've been feeling in general. I don't know that I can't do something unless I try, so this is me trying.

I've spent a lot of my life overthinking everything; what people think of me, what people are saying about me, do people like me? Most of my life has revolved around trying to be validated by everyone, but not caring about how I'm affected. I care more about other people and their opinions than that of my own and this is something that I really need to get out of the habit of.

In the past year or so, these thoughts have definitely amplified tenfold, and I've felt myself getting ill and overwhelmed with worry because of it. I never felt so bad that I couldn't do general tasks, I never felt so bad that I couldn't go to work, or didn't want to meet up with my friends, and because of this I never associated myself as having anxiety. There were people that were so crippled by it that they couldn't do anything, and I wasn't one of those people - I kept denying the fact that I had anxiety because "I didn't have it as bad". I almost felt guilty for even thinking that I had a problem; I thought people would think I was attention seeking, or being a hypochondriac (again).

As mentioned whilst talking about fresh starts, I went through a rough patch in Winter and tried to combat it with drinking on the weekends. I thought that I needed to socialise more to be happy, and socialising meant going for drinks with friends, and drinks meant getting really drunk to forget everything "bad" that was happening. This only resulted in the anxiety hangovers that I always get; no matter if I know I did nothing wrong, I will constantly go through absolutely everything that I did the night before and panic worry till I end up crying about all the things I may or may not have done, and what people were saying about me. Drinking most definitely did not solve anything.
I have come to accept now, thanks to the help of some amazing friends, that I do have anxiety, and although it may not be as bad as some peoples are, it's still anxiety, and it's still relevant. I think the hardest part has been the acceptance of that fact, and the next step is figuring out the best way to deal with it. I don't believe you ever get "fixed" but I believe that you can quell the feelings inside of you to get a better mindset and perception of the world around you. You decide the way you think, the way you feel, and the happiness that you create; I just need to find a way to make a habit of doing that.